Capricorn - (Dec 21 - Jan 19) [The Goat]: Those born under this sign are usually stoney broke (after buying Christmas presents), frozen stiff and somewhat randy. They make lots of New Year's resolutions which they fail to keep for more than one week, and will constantly 'butt in' on conversations.

Aquarious - (Jan 20 - Feb 18) [The Water Carrier]: People born under this sign are the 'wets' of this world. Gungah Din was the first Aquarian to have a poem written about him. Other prominent 'wets' are Mose, Noah, Thor and Chief Rain-in-the-Face.

Pisces - (Feb 19 - Mar 20) [The Fish]: Pisceans are liable to get their chips fairly quickly. Some of them are cold, but this is probably from lying around on marble slabs. Others can be seen in groups standing head to tail waiting to be packed into tins.

Aries - (Mar 21 - Apr 20) [The Ram]: Woolly thinkers, Aries subjects are easily led. They should always have a keeper, preferably a Cyprus shepherd, to keep them away from Capricorns.

Taurus - (Apr 21 - May 20) [The Bull]: Taureans have a habit of tackling problems head on. They should always be eyed with circumspection when they pass through the crockery section of any large department store. They can get very excited by little men in flashy suits who wave large red hankerchiefs about.

Gemini - (May 21 - Jun 20) [The Twins]: Any Siamese born under this sign could be in a lot of trouble. Everything is liable to happen to you twice; except, of course, death. You will probably have a look-alike who has been running around impersonating you and dropping you right in it.

Cancer - (Jun 21 - Jul 21) [The Crab]: People born under this sign are thick-skinned or 'hard-shelled' as the Americans say. They have a tendency to pinch and must therefore be of Italian origin. Never stand next to one because, when excited or frightened, they tend to run sideways very quickly.

Leo - (Jul 22 - Aug 21) [The Lion]: Leo subjects usually suffer from delusions of grandeur and spen their time throwing their weight around. However, the only ones likely to follow them are animals, who do so purely out of a sense of curiosity. Their bark tends to be worse than their bite.

Virgo - (Aug 22 - Sep 21) [The Virgin]: It is very difficult to identify people born under this sign, and there appears to be a scarcity. Females born under this sign fall into two categories; those who wish they hadn't and work hard at changing the situation, and those who believe they have something worth keeping and refuse all offers to relinquish it.

Libra - (Sep 22 - Oct 22) [The Scales]: Despite the name, Librans do not specialize in free love; any more than any other sign, that is. They are sometimes also erroneously beleieved to be scrupulously fair people but the only fact which can be positively stated is that they started 'Weight Watchers'.

Scorpio - (Oct 23 - Nov21) [The Scorpion]: There is a sting in the tail of this birth sign. Scorpios tend to have one-track minds, have a penchant for aluminium, and can be very protective of members of the RAF Regiment.

Sagittarius - (Nov 22 - Dec 20) [The Archer]: Not, as you might expect, a member of the farming fraternity. Really the finest of all the signs of the Zodiac, Sagittarians are truthful, witty, honest, good judges of character, friendly, clever - and boastful! ©